I Think I Have a First...

So last night I was really hungry before I went to bed and, good bandster that I am, I had some cottage cheese...no big deal.

Well around 1:00am I woke up from a dream that I had walked around the side of the building to pb...only to realize that I had ACTUALLY pb'd in my sleep. Has that ever happened to you? I am so disgusted and yet amused.

Six months ago I might have been too scared to post this but with all the crazy shit you guys post on here I am actually excited that I have something novel to post! :)

Christmas Is Here!

I just wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas and fill you in on my Christmas day goals.

First of all, my goal of reaching 225 was sooooo close. As of this morning I am 225.6 but it could have something to do with the homemade chocolate cream pie I had for dinner last night. :)

My second goal was to clean off my desk before I left for the winter break....

And I believe I succeeded. Pay no attention to the pile of papers under the clock. :) Those just need to be filed.

I hope everyone has a peaceful holiday and a blessed new year. I know that you all have been such a wonderful addition to my life. I would not have been so successful on this journey without you.

I Have Angered the Band...

This last week my band has felt like it has had a vice grip on my stomach. I have been having a hard time eating my yogurt in the morning, can normally eat it by 10:00 so I know it is loosening up a bit as the day goes on but yesterday I was stuck on a piece of turkey from about 11:00 until 2:00 when I pb'd in my office.

Today, I got stuck on some potato chips (I know, I know) but ended up pb'ing the chips in the middle of one of my photo sessions. I handed the camera to the mom and said hold on a minute. Ran around the side of the house, pb'd and went on with the session. I'm a professional I tell you!

I am flying out to Atlanta tomorrow and I am afraid that it is going to be tricky. I think I am going to do liquids tomorrow to give it a chance to rest. I reallly hate being tight, and am always scared of doing damage. So my question is how long do you think I should wait before getting an unfill? The last time I was too tight I couldn't keep anything down and pb'd everything but liquids. I think I read once that someone's band got tighter when they flew...anyone experience this?

And since I might as well throw in an NSV here, I bought a new coat today. Size 16. :)

All I Want For Christmas....

Is a clean and organized desk!

For all you OCD people out there you may want to avert your eyes.



I have two goals this month.

The first is to clean and organize my office. It is truly out of control. But in my defense, every time I try to clean someone gets kicked at recess, or a parent drops by to discuss a concern or my boss wants to discuss our latest test scores. Yadda, yadda, yadda.....my desk is still a mess.

The second goal is to weigh 225 on 12/25. That is 7 lbs in 21 days. I think that is doable.

I will keep you posted!

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80 lbs Down Ya'll!!!

I totally forgot to weigh in yesterday....which NEVER happens. So imagine my surprise when I stepped on the scale this morning and saw 232.9! I was .2 away all last week and then Thanksgiving hit and I lost it, but it is now back and better than ever.

A nice way to start December. :)

Completed My 1st 10K!!! Woot!

I finished my first 10K this morning.

1 hr and 32 min later I was done and didn't vomit.

I met my goal of staying under a 15 minute mile. And although I was the last one to finish the 10k, I was not the last one to cross the finish line. A 5k started 30 minutes after us so I was able to pass some elderly people, a few small children, and a girl on crutches (not kidding) as I finished. But I am done! Hopefully this will light the fire under my butt to get me to recommit to my training and get ready for the 1/2 marathon in February.

 

I am off to take a nap....and am hoping to regain the feeling in my thighs. :)

This Just In

The spicy chicken breast from chick fil a is just as spicy on the way up as it is on the way down.

You may now return to your regularly scheduled program.


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Free To Fly

Heading on my first flight since losing almost 80 lbs.

This sign no longer scares me.



With inches to spare!



Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

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The Definition of Insanity...

is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

As evidenced here and here.

and.....today makes the third installment. I know better....and one day I will learn. Apparently not today. Excuse me while I go PB.

Damn.

Hello My Name Is Sassy!

Been feeling a little sassy today.

Must be my new dress.

Or my new boots.

Or the fact that I haven't worn tall boots in 5 years!!!! Awesome NSV!

I can't wear all my tall boots yet and these took a little effort to zip but there is no "spillage" on the top so yay!

Oh! And when I put my arms down, there is space between my waist and arms. :)

And I would like to give a shout out to Spanx tights, without which this outfit would not have been possible.

Success

So I made it through without eating everything in Austin. I had two margaritas before the banquet and sipped on one of these during the dinner.



Yum!
Here a couple pics from the evening. The first one is in my hotel room and the second on demonstrates how out of control my hair is. It was blocking the face of the person next to me!

Who's That Girl?

Walked by a mirror in Target this morning and didn't recognize myself....and it felt really good.


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No Crying in Hair Salons!

So....I got my hair cut, and there were no tears. Yay! I didn't go as short as I was first imagining but baby steps are probably the safest way to go.

So 5 and 1/2 inches later.....

This was the final product. It is just like a mini version of my old haircut so I think that is why I am not freaking out. 

This was before.....

(it was actually a couple inches longer than this shot)

And here is another after....

Notice how my hair rests gently on my newly found COLLAR BONES!!!

Holla for the Colla(r)....bones. :)

I am headed to Austin tomorrow to accept an award for my school and then participate in some drinking on 6th street. I haven't had a drink in several months so send me some good vibes that I don't drink so much that I lose all common sense and eat all the chips and salsa in Austin. And for those of you who don't have an educator in your life, let me just inform you that we can DRINK! So watch out Austin, here we come!

PS - I sent my weight in to Kristen for the Holiday Challenge....did you?

Hair-apy

So I am thinking about cutting my hair. I have really had this need to do something drastic, make a big change, jump out of an airplane....something! I even considered going blond! (I have very dark brown hair and aside from the "purple" phase I went through in college, I have not veered from my natural color.)

Currently my hair is almost to the middle of my back. Long and straight and pretty much pulled up in a bun or ponytail most of the time...but here's the kicker. Every time I get my hair cut, even just a few inches, I cry. I am not quite sure why. It will grow back. It always does, but I get so upset.

I think I am afraid that I can't be pretty unless I have long hair. I won't be desirable to anyone unless I have long hair. People won't like me....unless I have long hair. Kind of goes along with my "no one will want me unless I am skinny" bullshit that I subscribe to.  It sounds asinine just typing it out. Part of me thinks I just need to cut it off as a symbolic gesture that I won't listen to the negative self talk anymore. I don't know what to do....help me ladies!!!

To cut or not to cut...that is the question.

URGENT: Refill Order #34531

Saw this in my inbox today:

Dear Valued Customer, (I definitely spent enough money to fall into the valued category)


It has come to our attention that it may be time to refill your previous order of Phentermine! We have a sale starting today. Save 10% off!


Yours truly,
Customer Service


Dear Customer Service,

I don't need you anymore. F@#k off!

Yours truly,
Valued Customer

The Half Way Curse

So I am still at the half way point. I know that what I am going through right now is totally mental. I have had some success and then I start to sabotage myself. I have stopped running (EEK! cue crazy magic carpet), I have not been eating well, and I had an unfill several weeks ago that has left me with the ability to eat many things that I shouldn't be eating. So the questions is why am I eating those things? I should be making good choices and then stopping at 1 cup or 6 oz of food....but I don't. Now, I am not gaining and I am not eating out of control like I have in the past but I am not making the kinds of choices that I should. I have an appointment tomorrow for a fill so that may help me as well....but I really don't want a big one....just like .1 or so.

I need to remind myself that this isn't about losing the weight fast (although that is fun) it is about losing it for good. So the slow periods are just something I am going to have get used to. Although I know that who I am is not defined by how much I weigh, it is hard to wrap my brain around. I need to work on my inner voice and stop beating myself up.

Everyday can be a fresh start. It is just harder said then done.

Everyone has gone through this right?

Waiting....

So I am on a retreat with some of my best girlfriends this weekend. Some of us arrived last night (me) and the rest will come in today. I am very excited because I could soooo use a break from work. However, it is currently 5:54 in the morning and I am WIDE AWAKE. I would like to go and get my run completed for the day, but we are in the middle of nowhere with gravel roads and no street lights so I don't think I will be headed out until the sun comes up.

ALSO, about an hour ago, I got a text from one of my friends who couldn't be here this weekend and her water broke and they are on the way to the hospital to have their second little guy, Noah. I am very excited for her but a little freaked out because she wasn't supposed to have that baby until later today with a scheduled c-section and I don't have my camera charged (and I can't find my charger). I am supposed to go up there later and do the first day pics and capture Jack's (older brother's) reaction when he first sees Noah.

And so I just sit here....waiting for the sun....waiting for Noah....and waiting for my friend Robin to wake up so I can borrow her charger....surely she brought hers!

As far as band related stuff goes, I am doing ok. I didn't lose any weight last week. Could have been the cake I had on Saturday....and Sunday. I am really trying to work my band at the restriction level that I have currently but it is getting to be pretty difficult. I did end up getting an unfill a few weeks back because I really was too tight but now....I don't know. I am scheduled for next Wednesday so I will really pay attention to portion size and protein and see how I feel. I know I am looser because I can eat bread and I haven't been able to do that for months. I have started going to carbs now because I can (and I LOVE them) and they don't keep me full as long as protein does. So....sticking to proteins to see if I still have a lot of hunger or if I am just eating the wrong foods.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!!!!! Friday has never looked so good.

A Picture is Worth A Thousand Words

This about sums up my week...

and it is only Tuesday.

Anyone else????

A Cookie the Size of My FACE!!!!!

I had one of these today....

....and some cheetos

and a pimento cheese sandwich (with the bread!).....

oh and I had one (two) slices of this amazing red velvet cake

(my two pieces barely equaled the size of one of these but I couldn't find a pic smaller)

....and a mini Coke.

It was over the course of 4 hours so I wouldn't call it a binge....but is was definitely an emotional response to some crazy work stress. I even made plans to go out after work to have nachos...NACHOS!!!! I called on the drive to the restaurant and told my friend that I wasn't hungry so I wouldn't be able to meet her. I haven't been hungry the rest of the evening. I think I will have a popsicle in a little bit and just call it a day.

I have to be honest....this was kind of scary. It happened without thinking. I am happy that I was able to finally recognize what I was doing and make a decision to stop. My fear though, is that next time I won't stop, I won't recognize that I have slipped back into some bad eating habits and I'll go off the deep end.

But today I stopped...so there's hope for tomorrow.

Full Body Shot

So in honor of my half way point and because I want to remember....Here is a comparison shot.

The one on the left is at 269 (look at my butt peaking out past my arm) and the one on the right is at 243.

All you newbies out there take a lesson from me! I do not have a picture of me at my highest and it is a huge regret! As much as I hate the picture on the left I would have loved to have seen the difference between me at my highest (313) and now. Oh well!

I think Bon Jovi said it best....

Get out your spandex, Aqua Net, and hair crimpers because I am HALF WAY THERE!!!!!! Check out that ticker!!! And in honor of this momentous occasion, I have rewritten some lyrics. So please prepare for your first Repair and Renovation sing along.

Livin' With the Band

Once Upon a time I was fat

Never livin' life

Was stuck in a rut....it's tough, so tough

Watching what I ate all day

Working out at night and working out all day

For change - for change

We've got to hold on to what we've got

It doesn't make a difference 

'cause the scales gonna a drop

We've got each other and that's a lot

of blogs - we'll give it a shot

Ohhhh I'm half way there

Woah Livin' with the band

Rub my port, it's right over there

Woah, Livin' with the band

Hope everyone has a great week! Here's to 70 lbs gone FOREVER!!!!!

Incredible Shrinking Wonder Woman

I was walking down the hall this morning at school and I noticed that pictures of our "Good Citizenship" awards had been posted from our last assembly...and I almost didn't recognize myself.

So I went back to find pictures from last year's assembly from around the same time. And here is what I got. Excuse the scribbled over face of the kid next to me and the Wonder Woman costume.

It's funny...I feel more like Wonder Woman now than I did a year ago. I'm going to have to go put my cape on. :)

This Princess DOES NOT Want a Magic Carpet Ride!!!

So I have been thinking about the Disney Princess Half Marathon that I am signed up for in February....and I have a few fears. Let me first mention that the race website states that you should train for a 16 minute mile. Ok so that roughly adds up to finishing this 1/2 marathon in 3 1/2 hours. Here is what the website says:

What happens if I can't keep up with the pacing requirement? Anyone not able to maintain the pace will be picked up and transported to the finish. You may be picked up at any point along the course for not maintaining pace. If you are transported to the finish line for any reason you will not receive a finisher medal.


I have been having this recurring dream that I am whisked off the course by this crazy magic carpet that flies up behind me when I least expect it because I can't keep up with the 16 minute mile pace. It just plays in to my everyday fears of not being good enough, not being pretty enough, not being smart enough and now, not being fit enough to finish at this pace.


During my lunch with Fluffy, she mentioned that I should probably join a training group. (Just one of many fabulous nuggets of advice.) And so I think that is what I am going to do. I have some friends who are willing to run/walk with me on my long training runs but I think I need a little more structure than that.


So that is what I am going to do! Here's to avoiding the "magic carpet" and finishing that race. And just a word of caution to the person who will be "picking people up" during the race....You are going to have to knock this girl out to get me on your cart. You better get ready for a fight because I will be kicking and screaming the whole way and I do not think that is the image Disney would want to portray at the "happiest place on earth"...and I will do it with my tiara ON!

Meeting Fluffy!

I had the honor of meeting "Fluffy" from Losing the Fluff for lunch on Sunday and it was great! We had an awesome lunch and awesome conversation. She is so stinkin' tiny! She has been blogging for about five years now and I can only hope to be as successful as she is. She even offered to teach me how to cook! Yay!

Since she is anonymous on her blog, I didn't take a picture of her but I DID take a picture of her driving away in her sassy SMART car as proof that I didn't make this up! :)

Thanks "Fluffy"! Can't wait to do it again!

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Chew Your Heart Out

So this motto this week has been chew, chew, chew and yet I still am having some troubles. Two Fridays ago, I got a fill. I went from 8 ccs to 8.2 ccs. Not a huge jump. The PA was willing to do .5 but I split the difference because I felt like I was close and that would be too much.

So the first week, things went really well. I was satisfied with 4 oz of food. Didn't feel hunger much at all. Lost 4 lbs. Woo Hoo!

Cut to this last Friday. Could only eat half of my cottage cheese for breakfast, which is a little 4 oz container, and it was painful. I could feel it going down and it wasn't just pressure, it was pain. Had chicken tortilla soup for lunch and could only take 6 or 7 spoonfuls before the heartburn took over. At dinner I totally PB'd my chicken and I chewed my heart out with each bite.

Same kind of issues on Saturday. Could barely drink my smoothie from Starbucks, and mashed potatoes for dinner did go over very well either. (But I could sure as hell eat a damn cupcake....it took me two hours but I got it down.)

I have been having this problem now all week. Today I bought some refried beans from Taco Bell because I was desperate to eat something and had two bites, horrible pain and an eventual PB. So I think I am too tight. I called my doctor and they are going to fit me in tomorrow for a slight unfill.

I know that this is the right thing to do but I am scared that I am going to lose the decent restriction that I had before. I guess I just need some encouragement from those of you who have had to have an unfill. Did they take out too much? Do you think I should wait it out a few more days and see if it goes back to how it was right after I got the fill? I need validation!!!!!! :)

Don't Hate Me..

but the scale and I have been getting along lately. (And as sure as I am typing this, it probably won't be true this week.) It seems I lost 4.4 lbs. this week which puts me at 247.6lbs. I have to give credit to training for the half marathon and the nice fill that I got two Friday's ago. I think I am at my sweet spot. Sometimes I am a little too tight in the mornings, but I think as I lose more weight I will settle into this restriction. I can really only eat about 4 oz at at time which I was surprised to find that I had a hard time with. I mean, I have been eating small amounts, but I guess I have been eating closer to 6 oz than 4 oz. Who knew that 2 measly oz would make such a difference. I have had two PBs out at restaurants this last week which leads me to the other part of my post...

I was on the phone with one of my good friends who knows about the band and who also happens to have been at both of the dinners I was at when I had to PB. Most people wouldn't have even known what happened but because she is my friend and because she asked if I was ok, I told her. Well yesterday, we were out at the same birthday party (which happens to be right next door to my favorite cupcake place) and I had been planning on getting a cupcake from there instead of eating the birthday cake. I planned for this cupcake, like watched calories, worked out, and planned for this cupcake. So I got it to go because I knew I probably wouldn't be able to eat all of it. So back to the phone conversation on the way home with my friend. She asked if I got the cupcake and I said yes. Then she said, well you probably won't be able to eat all of it since it is so big and I said I know but I can just save it for later. Then she said well you can always just throw it up and keep on eating.....What?!? After 6 months of watching me go this this new journey is that all that she thinks I am doing? Is that all she thinks this is about? It made me sad but I couldn't talk to her about it because I had people in the car with me who didn't know about the band so I am going to have to talk to her today.

It is crazy how people react to this whole process. And it is proof that people affect my emotions and reactions entirely too much. I guess I just need to get a thicker skin or something.

Happy Sunday!

Just wanted to share a little NSV with you all. I am getting a pedicure as we speak and not only do I fit on the chair but there is a little room to spare!



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The Difference 6 Weeks Can Make...

I hate taking pictures....but when I can go back and see progress like this, I am glad I did it. Even if you aren't posting your pictures here, I encourage you to take some for your own records. It can be a GREAT pic me up when you are having a bad day, week, or month!

Down and Dirty "I Wish Wednesday"

Don't have much time and I promised myself I would stop reading blogs at work so I could get caught up but it has just been one of those mornings and I needed my girls. So here it goes, just wishes...no explaination today.

* I wish that people would think about what they say before they say it.
* I wish that the fact that I don't have children, wouldn't be used against me in coversations with disgruntled parents and/or employees.
* I wish that I had more time to spend with the students instead of behind my desk looking at a computer screen.
* I wish that I could go to work at 9:00 in the morning instead of 6:30.
* I wish that my condo would sell so I can stop paying two mortgages.
* I wish that I could find a Breast Cancer Awareness shirt to wear to school tomorrow for Think Pink Thursday because my old one is entirely too big.
* I wish that all scales int he world were calibrated so that they all weighed you the same no matter where you are.
* I wish that I could have a day off where I don't get called with a school emergency or I don't feel guilty because I am not up at school.
* I wish that I could go back to school to become a professional photographer.
* I wish that I wasn't so dependent on money, and that it didn't drive my decisions about my future.
* I wish that I wasn't so negative on my "I Wish Wednesday" and that you don't judge me for it. I really am a happy person, I promise!

So glad it is Wednesday. A few minutes ago, I looked up and thought that the calendar said Tuesday and I almost started crying. Anyone else have one of those days?

Grrrr....

Alright girls....I am stressed. STRESSED. Things are crazy at work right now and part of it is my fault and part of it is just the way my job works. I have been so focused on weight loss and exericse that I feel like I have not been able to focus on work as much as I have in the past an it is starting to catch up with me. Unfortunately, in my line of work, when you get behind it not only doesn't wait for you to catch up, it has a tendency to run over you like a freight train....so I guess I am standing on the track, going head to head with a freight train. Is that too much metaphor? :)

Anyway, I found myself thinking about dinner on my way home and how all I really wanted was to take a really big bite of something....is that weird? I just wanted to fill up my mouth and stomach with food so that I could calm the stress demon inside my head. I think it is so crazy how obvious it has become now, that I was and still to some extent, am addicted to not just food but the act of eating. It was like when I was quiting smoking, I was addicted to the act and the habit of lighting up a cigarette just as much as I was addicted to the nicotine. And just in case you were wondering, I didn't go out and get something crazy to eat. I had some wheat thins and a slice of cheese and am completely satisfied right now. Go figure.

In other news, the scale has been super kind to me lately and in order to keep the good karma flowing I thought I would share what I thought has made the difference with the blog world in hopes of helping some of you who have been plateaued like I was over the last few months.

The first big change that I made was to increase and vary my workout lengths. I had been working out for 30 minutes 4 - 5 times a week and my weight was at a stand still. Now I have started pushing myself to go more than my normal 30 minutes. Some days I go 45, some days 40 and last Saturday I went for and hour and a half. Crazy right! I didn't think I could do it but I just kept my music on and pushed forward.

The other thing I started doing was using the daily plate (dot) com to track what I was eating. It was really great at giving me perspective and I was actually eating a lot more calories than I thought I was. Will I use it forever? Probably not but I do think it is a great tool for getting back on track.

Last Friday, I did get a little bit more in my band at my doctor's appointment. I was at 8 cc's and now I am at 8.2 in an 11cc band. I really think I have found my sweet spot. I am not hungry for at least 3 1/2 hours and find that I am really full after about 4 - 5 oz of food. So for those of you who are waiting for restriction, take a lesson from me! It has taken me almost 6 months to get there. Be patient. Use the time to work on behaviors and habits. I think if I had started out at this level of restriction, I woujld have gone crazy. I think we need that time to slowly retrain our brains to think about food differently.

Well, that's my 2 cents for what it is worth. I just have to say again, that I am so grateful for this community. I can't begin to imagine what it would be like to go through this on my own. You all mean a great deal to me and you all should take credit in my success! You are the best!

Freaking Awesome!

Woke up this morning, Got on the scale and was met with a happy surprise!!!!!!!!! I am down 60 lbs!!!!!!

For those of you who are at a plateau right now, just keep going. It WILL pay off. I had been sitting on the same number for weeks and even gained 4 pounds last week. Here's to a good visit with my doctor today! Happy Friday!

Running, Singing, & Clapping

OK...so in order to tell you this story I need to give you some history.

We moved when I was about 9 years old. Loved the new house, my room was at the front of the house and I was just super excited about all the things that came along with the house, 2 story, pool etc. What I did not realize came with the house, was the crazy running singing man who would run by our house every morning around 6:00. The first time I heard (was awoken) by him, I looked out my window and saw the craziest looking guy. He was pretty big, running pretty slow, and was breathlessly belting out Pour Some Sugar On Me. He had some of those leopard pants on and long stringy blond hair. This was the beginning of our beautiful relationship. Every morning for years he would run by my house singing the best of the 80s. As he got smaller, the songs got louder, but the hair stayed the same. So......

Cut to this morning. I was running and I like to choose songs that are inspirational to run to. They have to be loud and have a good beat and I am good. Well this morning, I was dying to sing along with the song Stronger by Britney Spears. I held back, but there was a part where she says "Stronger than yesterday" and then there is a *clap clap*. And Lord help me I did the clap clap this morning....I couldn't help it! I definitely garnered some interesting looks, stares and smiles. Is this the beginning? I am turning into the crazy running singing man....or more appropriately the crazy running singing clapping girl!

Beware...she runs, sings and claps. She's taking over your neighbor gyms and tracks.

Could It Be???

I think I may have almost lost my double chin!!!! Woohoo!!!!!!

And my eyes are getting bigger....

My First Vlog!

OK...before you watch this, forgive all the um's and the crazy eyes. :) Making a vlog is a lot harder than it looks! (Apparently I am long winded so give it a second, I promise it will load)

Inspiration

Found this on youtube and will be using it as inspiration for my 1/2 marathon. Thought ya'll might enjoy!

Well Hello to You Too Doctor!!!

So I mentioned a while back that my foot was hurting and I thought it was the shoes. So I stopped running/walking for a week and went to Run On to get fitted for some proper running shoes. This Sunday was my first day out and I walked 4 miles. A little pain but not too bad. This morning I ran/walked for 30 minutes and by the time I got to work I was really in some pain.

(The arrow is demonstrating where my foot hurts, so for any of you experts out there who want to diagnose me, I am all yours. Hell, even you WebMD worshipers can give it a shot!)

 I decided to give in a call the doctor to see if he could get me in today because I was really tired of this. I finally made up my mind to do something, I have a goal and then BAM...I get knocked back into reality. Anywhoozle, I go in to see him and he tells me that he thinks that it is inflamed yadda, yadda, yadda, take this antinflamatory, you can walk, but not run, and we'll see how it goes.

Then he starts looking at my chart. I have been going to this Dr. for the last 14 years and my entire chart is like a page and a half. I really do not like going to the doctor. So he starts to ask me about my neck and shoulders. Apparently everytime I have gone in I have mentioned that as an issue. I told him that I pretty much always have issues and sleep with a heating pad on a semi regular basis because it hurts so bad sometimes. He then took a moment to call the nurse into the examine room. I was not prepared for what happened next. The man reached out and grabbed/lifted my boobs. He then said..."How does this feel?" Being totally taken off guard I said..."Awkward?!" He laughed and said that he was trying to demonstrate what kind of relief I might get from a breast reduction. I was shocked! I said, "You mean like a breast reduction that is covered by insurance??" He said the "Yes" and that I had quite a history of pain so it may be time to look into it. He wants to wait about a year to let my weight loss level off but that he thinks in the future that we may need to go in that direction.

Ack!!! Who knew going in to have my foot looked at would end in going to 2nd base with my doctor. It may or may not happen. Who knows, I could lose a lot more weight in the boobs and then I wouldn't need one. We shall see but there is hope for the girls, it would be nice to be pointing up again! :)

Addiction, Accusations, and an Announcement

Lots of things rollin' around in my head these last few days and I need to let them out before my brain turns to mush.

Addiction -
First off, I've got to start with my lunch choice on Friday. Before the band, that was a typical meal. I would eat the whole thing and then go on to have something similar for dinner.. Without even thinking, that sandwich is what I wrote on the order form. When I got the sandwich, I didn't stop and say, "Wow, I really shouldn't eat this." I took a bite of it just like old times. I was acting as if the whole last 6 months had never happened. I wasn't even really craving that sandwich as much as I was craving my old way of eating. I wanted to take big bites and eat till I was full if not overfull. I wanted the sandwich to make me feel good....and it didn't do that. In fact I only got two bites before I was stuck. That's where the band comes in. The band was able to step in when my will power failed. The band made me stop and think. The majority of the time I eat well. Greek yogurt, cottage cheese, grilled chicken, veggies, and fruit. I know how to eat. I have been on so many diets in my life I could write a book, but the missing piece for me was the band. If this had happened to me 7 months ago, after dieting on my own, I would have begun the downward spiral and thrown away everything good that I had accomplished. BUT it is not 7 months ago. I have a band now and it puts a distance between me and my food. It is my "pause button" if you will. I have always joked about being addicted to food but I really am starting to see, from behaviors like Friday, that there is probably some truth to that. I relied on food to make me feel good. I didn't crave the taste, but I craved the feeling, the fullness. Happy, sad, mad, stressed, whatever....food was my drug of choice. I don't think that I will ever truely get rid of it either. I think I can learn to control it, learn to outsmart it, but I am pretty sure that 1 year down the road this will still be something that I struggle with. (Man, I really don't like self reflection)

Accusations -
Very few of my friends know about the band (my sister doesn't even know). Not because I am embarrassed but because I need to feel free from the pressure to lose weight and I feel like if everyone knows that I have had this surgery then I will need to "perform" if you will. So one of my friends who does know, asked me today, how much weight I had lost. I have really avoided telling anyone this number because I get tired of the reactions. They say "That's great!" and then ask what my final goal is, which I am not going to tell them, or they say "Wow" and can't believe I actually was so overweight that I could lose 50 lbs. Which for me is really just a drop in the bucket.
Well the reaction I got today was....different. She accused me of losing too much weight. She acted like she was horrified that I was going to continue to lose weight. Saying, "I don't know where you will lose it from" and things like that. I was so angry with her that I started listing the things that I wanted to be able to do like sit on an airplane and buckle the seat belt, shop in a regular size clothing store, regain feeling in my right hip from where the seat belt cuts into it everyday. I said "These are all things that normal sized people can do!" After I finished my long list of things (no one can accuse me of not having goals), she turned and looked at me and said, "So you are telling me that if we went to a store like NY&Co, you wouldn't be able to fit into any of the clothes there?" and I said yes and was instantly humiliated. I never in a million years would have ever thought that I would have to defend myself for losing weight and then to have to admit, out loud to someone, the things that I am most ashamed of/embarrased by in regards to my weight.
This is someone who I consider to be a very close friend. Otherwise she wouldn't have known about the band in the first place. I plan on having a conversation with her about how I felt today during our conversation. I don't know if she was trying to make me feel better by pretending that she didn't "see" me as overweight or what. I am freaking 258 lbs. It isn't a matter of opinion, I am overweight. I accept it, why should I have to fight someone to get them to accept it too? Anyway...sorry this was so long. I just needed to get it off my chest. She just doesn't understand and has never had this kind of struggle before and I honestly don't feel like I have to explain it to her. She should just support, ya know?

Announcement -
I am going to participate in the Disney Princess 1/2 Marathon in February 2011. Ack!!! I am so excited I can't stand it. I have my training schedule ready to go, went and got fitted at RunOn for some new shoes and can't wait to kick this into gear! Wish me luck!

What the Hell Was I Thinking?!?!?!?!

This is what I ordered for lunch today....

How is it possible that me, a rational thinking human, who gets stuck cottage cheese, would ever think that I could eat this? However, when the order form came around, I sure did mark my usual turkey melt and slap down my money. Oh and in case you were wondering, that is a GIANT side of ranch on the right hand side of the picture, you know, for my french fries. That way I can pretend like I am eating carrots and celery.

So now, I am stuck...at work...and I have to go in and read for a kinder class in 15 minutes. Please pray that I don't traumatize those poor babies and pb in front of them.

This just proves that although I have come a long way in improving my food choices, there is still a part of me that has a long way to go. I am now going to go offer my sandwich, fries, and giant side of ranch to one of my coworkers in hopes that they will take it and at the very least throw it away for me because I don't think I can do it.

Thousand Word Thursday

OMG...it is almost like Amy has access to my mind. Two Thursdays in a row she has chosen two things that are near and dear to my heart....decorating....and this week....JEWELRY!!!!

God grant me the ability

to purchase the necklaces that I can find;

to order online the ones I can't;

and wisdom to ask for free shipping.

Here it goes ladies....

This is a good majority of my collection....I know....I have a problem.

I LOVE this necklace. It goes with everything. Everytime I wear it, I get bombared with quetions about where I got it and how can they get one....seriously almost every one of my bosses has one of these now.

I love the ribbon that weaves through this one.

This is my newest aquisition. Love it and love it even more because I got it on clearance.

Thanks Amy for picking such great topics! I can't wait to see what you pick next week.

Tee Hee Hee

Bought some jeans today....

size 20....

felt good. :)

A Sweet Award!

1. Answer the question: If you had one chance to go back and change one thing in your life, would you and what would it be?

I believe in the power of kindness. I believe that no matter how angry or upset you are, you are in control of your actions and you can always choose to be nice (or choose to not say anything at all and just blog about it later). So I guess if I could change anything, I would take back those times I lost my temper, take back those times I used harsh words, and take back those times I was not the best reflection of myself. (Is that too Sallly Sunshine?)


2. Pick 4 people and give them this award. You then have to inform the person that they have been selected for the award.
Kristen - I believe she may love photography as much as I do!
Kristin - Seriously has one of the most amazing closets I have ever seen. It looks bigger than my first apartment
MLM - She and I share a passion for fabulous cupcakes
Kerri - Another picture lover

3. You have to thank the person who gave you the award.

Thank you to The Banded Lady for giving me this wonderful award. She must have read my cupcake post. :) She has not been blogging long but she has already found her place in this great community! She leaves the best comments too! Thank you!!!!

Mmmm....Funyons

So, yesterday I was reading the fabulous Tessie Rose's latest post and she talked about Funyons. Suddenly, all I could think about was Funyons. I haven't had Funyons in YEARS. Luckily (or unluckily depending on how you see it) we have Funyons in our vending machine. I debated for all of 10 seconds and went off to get my very own bag. Now I told my assistant principal that I was going to bring the bag into his office, take out two delicious rings and give him the rest of the bag. His instruction were to crumple up the contents of said bag and throw them into the trash can. Sounded like a good plan right????

I head to the lounge and put my money into the machine. 10 dimes and the push of a couple of buttons seperated me from my prize. I get the dimes in, and push A6...here they come....oh....but....wait...they are stuck....really?? I shake the machine a little....do a little banging...realize that one of the district maintenece guys is sitting in there so I can't use my ample backside to give the machine a good bump (there is a lot of power in my bump...er...whatever)...so I walk away. I figure, it just isn't meant to be. However, I did send this email out to the staff...

To my dear (school name) family,
In a moment of weakness, I went to the lounge and purchased a bag of Funyons. Apparently, it was not meant to be. The bag is stuck in the machine. I am going to take that as a sign that I should not have that delicious afternoon treat. So, if you happen to be the lucky one who can remove the Funyons from the machine, then please enjoy this free treat…and if you happen to save me just one of those wonderful rings, I would be eternally grateful.

Thank you.

Oh Funyons, why do you make me behave so....I think I am going to have them removed from the machine. Have a happy Tuesday! :)

6 Months Down...A Lifetime To Go

UPDATE: Well if you didn't think I was an idiot by now, this will seal the deal. I am not 6 month banded but I am 6 months on this jouney. I have lost 52 pounds since March 12th and 30 of those pounds since surgery. Sometimes I confuse myself. I knew I had been doing something for 6 months. :) Thanks CindyLew for the gentle correction.

So today is offically 6 months of living with the band. I am down 52 pounds. Woo Hoo!!!! I finally wrote out my long boring history with being overweight. You don't have to read it. I am warning you it is really long and I am not a great writer, but I needed to post it for me. I needed a record.

How do you chronicle a lifetime of being overweight? Where to you pin point the beginning? Is that even possible? I am not quite sure that it is so I am just going to say that I can never remember being skinny. Every memory I have of myself and weight is unpleasant, for lack of a better word. I grew up with an older sister who was skinny like a rail. She was one of those size 0’s that could (and did) eat ice cream for breakfast and never gain a pound. In fact there was a time when, my parent’s goal was to get her to gain some weight. So needless to say, I always compared myself to her…and I take no pleasure in the fact that she struggles with her weight now…well…maybe a little.
I won’t bore you with the countless stories from Jr. High. Like the time I refused to go on a church ski trip because they needed your weight for some obscure purpose (still don’t know why), but at that time I was 13 years old and weighed 179 lbs. Or the time that I had to call my mom to pick me up because the zipper in my jeans had split because they were so tight.

December 1994 - Fall of junior year

Spring of my junior year in high school rolled around and my mom decided she was going to take me to a doctor. I had done all the diets you can think of with no luck. This doctor had this brand new program that my mom had heard about so she forked over the money, we went to the seminar and I started taking phentermine. You know, the safe half of Phen-Phen. :) I stopped eating and sleeping and I was a raging bitch. My parents had to force me to eat once they figured out what was going on but strangely they didn’t tell me to stop taking the pills. I dropped from a 22/24 down to a 12. The skinniest I can ever remember myself. Probably weighed close to what I did when I was 13 and felt huge. Funny how that works.

(At one of my Graduation Parties)

(Senior Picture...so serious, I was such a drama queen)

I left for college at a size 14. Stopped taking the pills because I wasn’t able to see the doctor on a regular basis and couldn’t get the prescription filled. Freshmen 15 and then some found me. I can remember one time I weighed myself my junior year and I was at 227. I was horrified that I had gotten to this point…again, but didn’t/wasn’t able to do anything about it. I wonder if it had something to do with all the beer I had in the fridge. :) Graduated at a size 22. Moved back to Dallas and got a job teaching 3rd grade. I was so excited and really loved what I was doing but my weight was still an issue. It got in the way of everything, but mainly my self confidence was just about nill. So one night, I was home and really depressed about the way my life was going, so I got on the internet and started looking for my good friend phentermine. Hey, it worked before, why not again?

(This was February 2001 at my cousin's 30th birthday party)

Lost down to a size 16. Felt pretty good about myself. This was spring/summer 2001.

Kept that off for about 2 years and then gained to a size 20. In 2004, I started running…a lot. And it was wonderful. One of my friends would run with me and we are/were pretty competitive. If she said she had run 4 miles that day and I had only run 3 I would go out and run another mile and a half just so I could say I had run more, and she would do the same. I was down to a 9 minute mile. I was doing one 5K a month. The weight loss was slow during this time but my body felt soooo good. I gained some confidence, started dating again but only really made it to a size 16 but I didn’t care! I felt great! The lowest I remember my weight being during this time was 196. It had been so long since I had seen a number in the 100’s I could barely believe it. It didn’t last very long but I was definitely happy during this time in my life.

(At my college roomates bachelorette party)

Summer of 2006 my father was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Plus which looks like Parkinson’s but isn’t. It is hard to explain but basically the automatic functions of his body are slowly degenerating and basically you treat symptoms to maintain quality of life but will not be able to stop the progression. This was devastating to our family (and still is). So how does one cope with this? Eat…and eat I did. I had also quit smoking and spending money because I had made a goal to be credit card debt free. (Which I am now, woo hoo!) So two of my vices that I had relied on when I cut out the bad eating were suddenly gone and I was in crisis.
And on top of all that, my running buddy got married and moved to Ohio, I was in year two of grad school, and had moved from a classroom position to a support position. Lots of changes. So the weight started to come back. I tried a few last ditch efforts, including a $2000 program through the Cooper Clinic, but never got the results I wanted. I became assistant principal one year later, and then principal a year after that. All very fast and very stressful. So that brings me to my all time high of 313 lbs on March 5th, 2010.

(That's me on the far left. I cropped my big old butt out of the picture before I sent it out to the staff)

Wow! If you are still reading you deserve a prize. This was kind of the drive by version but it is done and I can now let it go, move on and embrace this new way of life. With the help of my band I am never going back there again.

I can't wait to see what the next 6 months will bring.

PS - I can't believe I am publishing this...

NSV alert!

So I had a pretty unexpected NSV this morning. I had two photo shoots scheduled today. One for a precious little one year old and the other for a good friend who is pregnant. I haven't done a shoot in several weeks and when I went to put on my camera strap (it crosses my body), I had to tighten it!!!! Woot! Here are a few pictures from today's sessions. Enjoy!

I am working on my 6 month post for tomorrow. I have yet to really get serious and put down my history and hope to spend some time working on that today. It just isn't may favorite thing to talk about ya know? But I believe it is important so I am going to try. Have a great weekend everyone!!!