Addiction -
First off, I've got to start with my lunch choice on Friday. Before the band, that was a typical meal. I would eat the whole thing and then go on to have something similar for dinner.. Without even thinking, that sandwich is what I wrote on the order form. When I got the sandwich, I didn't stop and say, "Wow, I really shouldn't eat this." I took a bite of it just like old times. I was acting as if the whole last 6 months had never happened. I wasn't even really craving that sandwich as much as I was craving my old way of eating. I wanted to take big bites and eat till I was full if not overfull. I wanted the sandwich to make me feel good....and it didn't do that. In fact I only got two bites before I was stuck. That's where the band comes in. The band was able to step in when my will power failed. The band made me stop and think. The majority of the time I eat well. Greek yogurt, cottage cheese, grilled chicken, veggies, and fruit. I know how to eat. I have been on so many diets in my life I could write a book, but the missing piece for me was the band. If this had happened to me 7 months ago, after dieting on my own, I would have begun the downward spiral and thrown away everything good that I had accomplished. BUT it is not 7 months ago. I have a band now and it puts a distance between me and my food. It is my "pause button" if you will. I have always joked about being addicted to food but I really am starting to see, from behaviors like Friday, that there is probably some truth to that. I relied on food to make me feel good. I didn't crave the taste, but I craved the feeling, the fullness. Happy, sad, mad, stressed, whatever....food was my drug of choice. I don't think that I will ever truely get rid of it either. I think I can learn to control it, learn to outsmart it, but I am pretty sure that 1 year down the road this will still be something that I struggle with. (Man, I really don't like self reflection)
Accusations -
Very few of my friends know about the band (my sister doesn't even know). Not because I am embarrassed but because I need to feel free from the pressure to lose weight and I feel like if everyone knows that I have had this surgery then I will need to "perform" if you will. So one of my friends who does know, asked me today, how much weight I had lost. I have really avoided telling anyone this number because I get tired of the reactions. They say "That's great!" and then ask what my final goal is, which I am not going to tell them, or they say "Wow" and can't believe I actually was so overweight that I could lose 50 lbs. Which for me is really just a drop in the bucket.
Well the reaction I got today was....different. She accused me of losing too much weight. She acted like she was horrified that I was going to continue to lose weight. Saying, "I don't know where you will lose it from" and things like that. I was so angry with her that I started listing the things that I wanted to be able to do like sit on an airplane and buckle the seat belt, shop in a regular size clothing store, regain feeling in my right hip from where the seat belt cuts into it everyday. I said "These are all things that normal sized people can do!" After I finished my long list of things (no one can accuse me of not having goals), she turned and looked at me and said, "So you are telling me that if we went to a store like NY&Co, you wouldn't be able to fit into any of the clothes there?" and I said yes and was instantly humiliated. I never in a million years would have ever thought that I would have to defend myself for losing weight and then to have to admit, out loud to someone, the things that I am most ashamed of/embarrased by in regards to my weight.
This is someone who I consider to be a very close friend. Otherwise she wouldn't have known about the band in the first place. I plan on having a conversation with her about how I felt today during our conversation. I don't know if she was trying to make me feel better by pretending that she didn't "see" me as overweight or what. I am freaking 258 lbs. It isn't a matter of opinion, I am overweight. I accept it, why should I have to fight someone to get them to accept it too? Anyway...sorry this was so long. I just needed to get it off my chest. She just doesn't understand and has never had this kind of struggle before and I honestly don't feel like I have to explain it to her. She should just support, ya know?
Announcement -
I am going to participate in the Disney Princess 1/2 Marathon in February 2011. Ack!!! I am so excited I can't stand it. I have my training schedule ready to go, went and got fitted at RunOn for some new shoes and can't wait to kick this into gear! Wish me luck!
9 comments:
I share your pains. I started this at 323 lbs. Surgery day I was 282. I had everyone telling I could do it without surgery. They have no idea how hard I struggled to get that weight off. They have no idea how much I miss the comfort of food. I guess what I am trying to say is I understand 100%.
I completely agree with your addiction. It is one of the best things about the band for me as well :)
I hope your friend gets better at the support. I am just at the stage were I think I will be telling people more often.
And as for the 1/2 marathon, congrats on that. I saw it advertised on the web some where and so wish I could go to America for it :) That is a great goal to go for.
It is strange how differently people see us from how we see ourselves. That's awesome about the 1/2 marathon. Very cool.
Speaking of your marathon, is that the one in Florida? Amy from Babbles of a Bandster is doing it too! You should get in touch!
It's so hard coming to grips with whatever our addiction to food is. I'm still trying to figure out what my problem is with food, and when I figure it out, it will be a serious breakthrough!
Boo-Hiss on the friend. I haven't told many people for the exact same reason. I don't want to tell people how much I've lost. It's sad that I'm down 25lbs (more or less) and people haven't noticed. I guess when you weigh 250+, it's got to be over 50lb to get noticed. Wait, isn't that what you just said?! Anyway, just wanted to tell you I feel your pain. We're all in this together!
I started this journey very heavy... and even though I have lost 89 pounds so far, I know I have a very long way to go. I wish I hadn't told people about my band, I get the food police watching everything I eat and giving me constant advice and then the food pimps who don't want me to get skinnier than them so they try and tempt me with cake and chocolate, etc ... I wish I could just lose the weight at my own speed in peace. It is a difficult enough road as it is without people turning the spotlight on my diet and exercise regiment. I live in Orlando and although I would love to come and cheer you and Amy on ... *Maria*-Blogger from "This one time at BAND Camp..." Follow my journey at mybigfatbandgeeklife.blogspot.com
I think some of my friends won't be comfortable with our relationship when I move from my standard role as the fat funny friend. Maybe your friend is experiencing that too. I've had this happen in the past when I've lost a great deal of weight an even lost one of my best friends over it. She kept saying she liked me better the old way. Yeah, because there was no one to infringe on her role of the cute skinny friend. Change is hard for everyone involved, but you deserve to live the life you desire and to fit into any seat you want to! Hang in there.
Ugh - I'm so sad she just can't support you...I'm thinking she's jealous. YAY for the race - good for you!
That is exactly why I haven't told many people. They just don't understand. She never should have said that to you, so you are right in feeling angry, I would be pissed as well.
You don't have to prove yourself to anyone, and it sounds like she just might be a tad jealous.
So interesting that I had the same kinda conversation with one of my best friends this past week! She is one of the few people who knows that I will be getting the band. Let me preface by saying she is a dietician, works with pre-diabetics, skinny skinny skinny, and is very fit. I was saying I was a little shocked by her lack of (what I thought was) interest in me wanting the band..and you know what she said..she said she never saw me as being fat. SAY WHAT? I am the God Mother of her child and attend her yoga class..and see her daily and she never even considered I was fat. She says "how much do you want to lose..like 25-35 lbs?" I just kinda laughed it off. I am thinking how on earth can she think that 25-35lbs is what will get me off this obese train? I was just so surprised that she just didn't see me the way I really am. Oh my 3 friends who I planned to tell..she was the one I thought would be the most excited and supportive. Boy was I wrong.
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