I am so struggling with eating today. I feel like a bottomless pit. I could eat my plate and the plate of the person sitting next to me. I have already had 800 calories today and it is only 11:45. My goal for each day is 1100 so needless to say, I had better slow down.
Normally I will drink water like crazy when I feel this way but I have already had 6 glasses and pee like every 20 minutes. I have 3 weeks until my next fill and it feels like an eternity. I can eat whatever I want without issue. I am avoiding carbs but there are so many other good thinks out there too. (Like the homemade peanut butter cookies someone brought to the lounge.)
Hopefully tomorrow I will have my head back on straight. No one ever said this was going to be easy. Hope everyone has a productive Monday!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Update - bullet style
Dr. Appointment
- everything with the band is fine, it moved back into place
- I only got 2 cc's but will be going back in two weeks for my next fill
- I weigh 1/2 lb less when I weighed in ( I was SHOCKED)
Half Marathon
- I have been afraid of not being able to complete the half marathon
- I didn't run at all during November or December
- I decided that I would train with intention of walking the whole thing
- I have been really committed to it since the beginning of January (but the doubts were still there)
- today I did 7 miles and felt like i could have kept going :)
- I am walking a 15 minute mile with consistency on my long walks
- I am walking a 14 minute mile with consistency during the week
- my goal is to finish and I need to accept that I do not have the stamina to run for 13 miles...yet
- the voice in my head can do more damage than anything else and I have to work very hard to
silence it
-I timed myself on my walk today and promised myself that I wouldn't look at the timer until the halfway point. It needed to be 52 min at the halfway point. It was 51:20 and I have never felt better about myself than I did at that moment...and for the first time since I signed up for this half marathon, I actually believed that I can do this.
Karma
- I am one of the closeted bandsters. I told my boss that I would be having gallbladder surgery.
- I now may possibly have to have my gallbladder out. Karma's a bitch!
Thanks for all your great comments and support during this whole craziness. I am so grateful to have this group of supporters. I wouldn't know what to do without you!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
- everything with the band is fine, it moved back into place
- I only got 2 cc's but will be going back in two weeks for my next fill
- I weigh 1/2 lb less when I weighed in ( I was SHOCKED)
Half Marathon
- I have been afraid of not being able to complete the half marathon
- I didn't run at all during November or December
- I decided that I would train with intention of walking the whole thing
- I have been really committed to it since the beginning of January (but the doubts were still there)
- today I did 7 miles and felt like i could have kept going :)
- I am walking a 15 minute mile with consistency on my long walks
- I am walking a 14 minute mile with consistency during the week
- my goal is to finish and I need to accept that I do not have the stamina to run for 13 miles...yet
- the voice in my head can do more damage than anything else and I have to work very hard to
silence it
-I timed myself on my walk today and promised myself that I wouldn't look at the timer until the halfway point. It needed to be 52 min at the halfway point. It was 51:20 and I have never felt better about myself than I did at that moment...and for the first time since I signed up for this half marathon, I actually believed that I can do this.
Karma
- I am one of the closeted bandsters. I told my boss that I would be having gallbladder surgery.
- I now may possibly have to have my gallbladder out. Karma's a bitch!
Thanks for all your great comments and support during this whole craziness. I am so grateful to have this group of supporters. I wouldn't know what to do without you!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Friday, January 21, 2011
Sitting...Waiting...Wishing
Sitting in the waiting room. The Dr who did the upper GI said it looked good. Now I need the surgeon to look at it and then we play the "how much fill will you give me?" game. I was at 7 when they unfilled...I am hoping for 5.
So far so good. Thanks for all your well wishes and comments. They help a lot!!!!!!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
So far so good. Thanks for all your well wishes and comments. They help a lot!!!!!!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Lessons Learned from the Great Deflation
Man....I really was too tight. Probably for about a month and a half if I am honest with myself. I have been training for the 1/2 marathon at the end of February and my training dropped off dramatically in the last month or so. Mainly because when I would run, I just didn't have the energy to go very far. It was getting harder instead of easier. Don't get me wrong, nothing about this trianing has been easy BUT, I really feel that because I was so tight, I was not getting enough calories in to fuel my body. Which resulted in me not being able to improve my time or sustain the progress that I had. Since the deflation, I have been keeping my calories at 1100 calories and have been KILLING it at the gym and on the trails. So, lesson learned. It is still hard, I am having to do a lot more meal and snack planning to outsmart the hunger that comes every 2 hours or so, but I already know how to do that. :)
So take a lesson from me! Tighter isn't always better. :)
Oh and PS - Tonight, the woman on the treadmill next to me flipped off backwards and even though I wanted to laugh, I didn't. (I laugh at inappropriate times, you do too. Don't deny it!) So be cafeful ladies, and while I may laugh if you fall, I will always help you back up!!!!
So take a lesson from me! Tighter isn't always better. :)
Oh and PS - Tonight, the woman on the treadmill next to me flipped off backwards and even though I wanted to laugh, I didn't. (I laugh at inappropriate times, you do too. Don't deny it!) So be cafeful ladies, and while I may laugh if you fall, I will always help you back up!!!!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Gaining...
So....I have gained 3 lbs since the "deflation" of the band last Tuesday. I was doing really well until Friday and I gave in and had some carbs and the 3 lbs came on over night. So, like Jacquie's dr said, I am going to AVOID carbs. I have a feeling I am going to have make that commitment like every hour because I can EAT my friends. It is like bandster hell all over again.
I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, because the alternative is not acceptable
I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, I can do it, because the alternative is not acceptable
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Don't Hate! Celebrate!
So I am working really hard to change my attitude, and not let the deflation of my band turn into the great depression of the year. First thing I did was start logging my calories again. Yesterday I was still supposed to be on liquids so I only logged about 900 calories. That will slowly increase to around 1200 hopefully. I did feel hunger. It was surprising, because I thought I had been feeling hunger these last few months but it turns out......NO. I am amazed that I had forgotten what hunger really felt like! So now I have a good comparison for when my band is back in working order. Hopefully I can remember how this felt and have a better grasp on the difference between head hunger and real hunger in the future.
Secondly I have been going through some pictures I have been taking lately and decided to put them together in a collage for inspiration. The first two are from August and October and the rest are from late November through January.
Secondly I have been going through some pictures I have been taking lately and decided to put them together in a collage for inspiration. The first two are from August and October and the rest are from late November through January.
You know how some of you always point your toes in pictures?? Well apparently I like to put my hand on my hip. :)
9 days till the Upper GI and my doctors appointment and hopefully some answers! My goal is to have a lower number on that scale, because the journey is about the lifestyle changes that I have made and not just about the amount of cc's in my band. :)
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
More Details...
I couldn't explain all of this on the phone because you know...the whole vagina doctor visit was getting in the way. So here in detail is what my PA explained to me today when I went back to the office.
Here's the fabulous lap band. So you see how the band is angled? Well mine is no longer angled it goes straight across and has a little bit of the stomach on the right pulled up through it. So it is not "slipped" as in pulled the whole stomach through, but it has moved.
There's a little more detail for those of you who wanted it. So now the waiting game begins. It is so hard to not console myself with food right now....and even harder knowing that I could actually eat it if I wanted to. I think I will do some retail therapy instead. Thanks for all the sweet comments. I know I can get through this...I don't have a choice. :)
Trying Not To Freak Out.....
I went to the dr to get my unfill which the pa happily did. However she did say that she wanted me to get an upperGI just to make sure everything was ok.
No problem, the hospital had an opening in 30 minutes so I walked across the street and signed in. I do the upper GI and after the dr asked me to lift my left boob because he couldn't get a clear picture (can we say boob lift needed in the near future), he told me that it looks as though my band has slipped and he was sure that my dr would contact me soon.
It took every inch of my control to keep from bursting into tears right there. So I left and marched my happy ass back across the street to find out what this means.
The pa saw me coming and took me right back to a room. Apparently they had already called her and shared the results.
She said that it wasn't a slip like needing surgery to repair slip. What they do is empty the band completely and give the stomach time to move back down below the band. This takes one week, we do another upper GI, and if everything is ok we start to slowly fill again.
To say that I am upset and disappointed is an understatement but I have no choice but to get over it. Here's hoping that this works. I am currently sitting here with no restriction AT ALL. And as unrealistic as it may sound I am so afraid that I will gain all 90 lbs back in one week. Let's pray I don't!
About to unveil my business at the lady dr so I have to put the phone down.
Could this day get any better?
More later.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
No problem, the hospital had an opening in 30 minutes so I walked across the street and signed in. I do the upper GI and after the dr asked me to lift my left boob because he couldn't get a clear picture (can we say boob lift needed in the near future), he told me that it looks as though my band has slipped and he was sure that my dr would contact me soon.
It took every inch of my control to keep from bursting into tears right there. So I left and marched my happy ass back across the street to find out what this means.
The pa saw me coming and took me right back to a room. Apparently they had already called her and shared the results.
She said that it wasn't a slip like needing surgery to repair slip. What they do is empty the band completely and give the stomach time to move back down below the band. This takes one week, we do another upper GI, and if everything is ok we start to slowly fill again.
To say that I am upset and disappointed is an understatement but I have no choice but to get over it. Here's hoping that this works. I am currently sitting here with no restriction AT ALL. And as unrealistic as it may sound I am so afraid that I will gain all 90 lbs back in one week. Let's pray I don't!
About to unveil my business at the lady dr so I have to put the phone down.
Could this day get any better?
More later.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Like a Size 18 in an 8....
I am tight. I know, I know! This is a popular theme right now. I have been having the choking on stomach acid issues since last Monday and immediately made an appointment with my dr. Now I just have to wait for Tuesday. Also, though, a lot of it has to do with my (.). I was tight before, but not like this. Was considering an unfill but this last week confirmed it.
Anywho...as I am waiting for the unfill, I have had some unusual feelings and this is where I need your help. Has anyone had dizzyness or light headedness because of being too tight? Sometimes (at least once an hour) I feel shortness of breath, almost like I can't fill my lungs. I get kind of dizzy and unsteady on my feet. It gets worse if I have my arms over my head, like reaching for something or hangning a picture up. Could this be from being too tight or is this something totally different?
Am I just crazy? I am trying to stay calm so I don't get any tighter and I am doing liquids until my appointment. But this has thrown me for a loop. Any advice would be appreciated!
Thanks!
I will try to get back in the swing of blogging soon. I haven't posted anything substantial in a while. The fluff is just easier right now.
Anywho...as I am waiting for the unfill, I have had some unusual feelings and this is where I need your help. Has anyone had dizzyness or light headedness because of being too tight? Sometimes (at least once an hour) I feel shortness of breath, almost like I can't fill my lungs. I get kind of dizzy and unsteady on my feet. It gets worse if I have my arms over my head, like reaching for something or hangning a picture up. Could this be from being too tight or is this something totally different?
Am I just crazy? I am trying to stay calm so I don't get any tighter and I am doing liquids until my appointment. But this has thrown me for a loop. Any advice would be appreciated!
Thanks!
I will try to get back in the swing of blogging soon. I haven't posted anything substantial in a while. The fluff is just easier right now.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
YES!!!!
Yay!!!! I saw 222.4 this morning! That means I have reached and passed my 90 lbs down goal. And now, at 4:47 am, I am headed to the gym. I will post more later. :)
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Project 365
I have taken on the Project 365 challenge, which is basically taking a picture a day, and I post it on my photography blog. I kind of liked my picture for today. I think I look a little bit skinny.
Hallelujah. Holy s@!t. Where's the Tylenol?
Oh and PS....I weight less than every contestant on Biggest Loser. That's a first. :)
Oh and PPS....I am .3 away from my 90lb goal. Hopefully I will see it in the morning!!!!! Good night all!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
How's That for Perseverance?
My car battery died today....and I had to change the battery ALL BY MYSELF!
...after watching a tutorial on YouTube. :)
Saturday, January 1, 2011
My Word...
"Count it all as pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
My word for 2011...perseverance.
My word for 2011...perseverance.
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