So in an effort to blog through the bad as well as the good, I am going to share what is going on with me. Last time I posted I was at 198. Today, this morning, I am at 205. I have gained about a lb per day since my last post. And I know exactly how it happened and I did nothing to stop it. NOTHING. Part of it has to do with the fact that I could use a fill but I would rather go on vacation in a foreign country for 3 weeks with people who know nothing about my band and be a little loose than be too tight or risk getting tighter. But until I leave for my trip, I am just.....I don't know....eating everything in sight? And before you think I am exaggerating, I have had ice cream every day this week. Some days more than once. I have eaten when I wasn't hungry and I have knowingly eaten crap and non band friendly foods. I even went out for an ice cream after I had already gotten ready for and climbed into my bed. I just decided that I wanted it, got in my car and drove to the drive thru at 11:00 at night.
So now my friends, the clothes that I have purchased over the last few weeks are starting to get tight, and my overall self esteem has taken a huge hit. There is something wrong. There is something that I am struggling with and need to address but I just don't know what it is... and that is probably the scariest thing about this whole journey. I really must not know myself very well. I am almost a year and a half out and the struggles never get easier, they just change in morph into something different.
I am about to leave for one of the most exciting trips of my life and I feel like I am in a pit....so there it is. My own little pity party. If you finished reading, thank you. :) You are truly a dedicated bunch.
And since writing about my struggles is really hard for me, I just have to say that I did not post this looking for sympathy. I just needed to be honest with this community about where I am, and most importantly honest with myself. And maybe, just maybe, writing this down will help me get back on track.
"After all...tomorrow is another day!" (Said in my best Scarlett O'Hara drawl)
6 comments:
I think writing helps - truly. It is so mental and it doesn't stop, but I hope realizing that you had this bad week helps you question the why the ice cream is winning right now. I don't have the answer because I've been struggling too, but being aware for me is more than I used to be.
I hope you have a great trip and you celebrate all you've accomplished.
I am with you 100%. Must be this kind of week for a lot of us!!
Writing does help but I also need the motivation. We will get there. I know it but I'd like it to be a little sooner.
You're going to have so much fun on your trip!
Weird that you mention this Angela, I had a 2000 calorie day yesterday for the first time since being banded. I just wanted to eat yesterday. I felt bad about it, but I really did it, even to the point of going out and getting ice cream last night too. I did stick to the mini blizzard, but yeah, over 2000 calories last night. I felt bad about myself then realized...you know? This is just one day (or one week in your case) of less than healthful choices. You still have time before your trip to bump up your exercise and have those clothes nice and comfy again before your trip. You can do this, you are worth it. Dig in and get back on track.
I think it's brave of you to post this and blog through the confusion...It will pass and you'll be back on track soon. You are a successful gorgeous woman and this is only a temporary and (relatively minor) setback. If I could make one observation, it's probably significant that this self-sabotaging week happened when you dipped into the 100s. Maybe it's related. It could be you panicked and ice-creamed your way back into more familiar turf, the 200s. Change is scary and we can get the feeling of not knowing what's ahead, who will we be in our new body, how will our life change...It's normal. If this is off the mark, please just ignore! Hope you enjoy your upcoming trip!
The mental aspect is the hardest part of this whole thing. Maybe you're nervous about your trip or maybe there is something else going on in your life, causing you stress and you're turning to food for comfort? I think writing during this time is the MOST important time to write. If we only wrote when things were good, we wouldn't get through very much, would we? Hang in there! You'll get through this bump. Start today by drinking all your water...I'm sure some of the weight is just water retention.
I so understand everything that you said in this post. We must always remember what got us to need our bands in the first place. Using food in apropriately for one, and making poor choices because those foods comfort us.
I just wanted you to know you are not alone out there. I am glad your trip was amazing!!!
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